Remember all those hilarious one liners about TV tough guy, and supernaturally be-gingered ghost grandpa, Chuck Norris? “Chuck Norris doesn’t sleep, he waits,” for example. How we laughed at those! I remember that one actor’s deft karate pantomimes from my childhood, we’d say.
We had him pegged with the wrong superlative it turns out. It should’ve been something more like Chuck Norris doesn’t sleep, he drools in the corner wondering why the grandkids never call.
“Chuck Norris died 20 years ago, Death just hasn’t had the courage to tell him yet.” More like, well, ok, that one still reads.
“When he goes to bed every night the Boogeyman checks his closet for Chuck Norris.”
You sure about that one? The central premise of the conceit, that Chuck Norris isn’t scared of anything is precisely the opposite of the truth we see from videos like this one above. Like most elderly people and Republicans, Chuck Norris is scared of every fucking thing.
Probably tops on that list is his Stepford Wife Gena, who is quoted here from what I’m assuming are the awkward first take cuts from a forthcoming, much-less-embarrassing political video.
“We are here to talk about a growing concern we all share,” Chuck Norris explains. “If we look to history, our great country and freedom are under attack. We’re at a tipping point and, quite possibly, our country as we know it may be lost forever if we don’t change the course in which our country is headed.”
What aspect of it exactly will be lost forever, and to who, you might ask, if you don’t puke in fear when you see your own shadow.
You can probably imagine where it goes from there. Crossroads this, crucial decisions that, the defense of liberty, Christians, I don’t know, fucking evil microwaves stealing our souls when you don’t flip the light switch on and off three times to represent faith in the Holy Trinity.
The video gets interesting toward the end, however, where old boy starts quoting — you’re never going to guess who — Reagan, the president last time Norris got a non government-assisted erection.
“Our great president, Ronald Reagan said, ‘Freedom is never more than one generation away from extinction. We didn’t pass it to our children in the bloodstream. It must be fought for, protected and handed on for them to do the same.’”
Like HPV, you might say.
*I’ve been meaning to post this for a few days now, but it’s just sort of been hanging out in my queue limbo area
I honestly watched this waiting for the punchline to come, and sad to say, it doesn’t And not because it’s a bad joke, but because it’s a bad joke. Vice sums it all up pretty well with their writeup above, but it still bothers me because I know the people that give in to shit like this, actually have no intellectual compas. Instead they just pawn of that intellect in order to abide by a certain state of mind they feel they should inhabit.
At the end of the day though, it all comes down to November.